Skanky TV - The End of McClaren
Created | Updated Nov 29, 2007
It's 9.00 am on Thursday 22 November. The morning's newspapers have been full of comment concerning the England football team's abject display in their 2-3 defeat against Croatia the previous evening - a result that means England have failed to qualify for a major football tournament for the first time since 1994. Steve McClaren, the manager, is under serious pressure from the media, as are the FA, who have called a press conference for 9.45. It's going to be a difficult morning ahead.
However, it is a great opportunity for the news channels. This is what they are here for; news as it happens, live and beamed directly onto your screen. With a nation of football fans thirsting for news over the Internet and at home on TV, they can really come into their own. No more going over to some far-flung part of Cornwall to hear about some vaguely quirky story about a cow falling off a bridge because there are a few minutes left in the hour - today the news can be serious, comprehensive and analysed to death.
News channels have always fallen somewhere between two real aims. One is to be able to provide news 'on demand', so that a viewer could switch on any time and see the headlines within a few minutes. The other is to be first on the scene with breaking news 'as it happens' and provide expert, insightful commentary. It's a difficult blend to achieve and most of the time fails; those who just want to flick on and see the main stories often find that they've tuned in just as a lengthy political discourse begins, while those who prefer more in-depth coverage find that events are being covered too snappily. Although there are some excellent programmes on the news channels - BBC News 24's Reporters springs to mind - it is hard to deny that the best news bulletins are the traditional ones, with news edited, considered in advance and presented at regular intervals during the day. Today is just the sort of day for them to shine. There is intense speculation that McClaren will either be sacked or resign, and if this is the case it is hard to argue that it shouldn't dominate the schedules unless something major happens elsewhere. With no shortage of pundits to give their opinions, over 27 hours of archived football to draw on for montages and an interested, passionate public, this should be their day. Even if it won't be McClaren's.
BBC News 24 appear to be well-prepared, as you'd expect. Reporter Chris Hutchings is outside the FA, doing his best to make as much as he can out of 'nothing going on' before the press conference begins. Just after 9.45, the FA are ready to start, and we go live to the action. Sitting behind a long table are the FA; a smartly-dressed collection of a dozen men, most of whom appear to have never been in front of a camera. Immediately it looks like a bad PR move; chairman Geoff Thompson and chief executive Brian Barwick aside, they look wooden and scared stiff, and I feel a bit sorry for them. Barwick begins by declaring that McClaren has indeed been fired, and then the forelock-tugging begins. They assure us that they are deeply disappointed, that they are fans too, and that they will launch an investigation into the woes of football. Oddly, News 24 cuts away from the conference at this point to give Hutchings the chance to repeat that the FA are deeply disappointed, that they are fans too, and that they will launch an investigation into the woes of football. Then it's back to the cut-and thrust of questioning from the assembled press.
The problem is, that that's the end of the story. There isn't anything else to ask. Anyone with the vaguest notion of what football is could tell us that the FA want the best man for the job, English or no; that they will choose his identity; that they are quite sorry indeed; and that it will cost them a packet. The rest of the press conference on a traditional bulletin would be condensed into a couple of the more interesting points, but rolling news has to stay with it. The FA clearly wanted a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, and I for one felt they should be allowed it.
Eventually, back to the studio for some expert analysis with Alyson Rudd of The Times. I'm not a Times reader, but in the interests of this article I've reread a few of her old columns, and she knows her stuff. I don't know why, but she chose the occasion to make the incisive point that McClaren had been fired because he kept losing. She also some mass-pleasing guff about setting up a special panel of ex-footballers to choose the new England boss rather than the FA, the panel chosen by The Fans. What were you thinking, Alyson? Never, ever, under any circumstances, let the public choose anything. Who will they blame when it all goes pear-shaped? We have people in blazers because they know best; people who we can look up to when things are going well and chastise when it doesn't. If those people were us, the whole thing falls down. You can't just sack The Public.
In fact, News 24 regularly gave the impression that the whole thing had taken them totally by surprise. A good 45 minutes after the press conference, we heard the thoughts of Peter Shilton, an ex-England goalkeeper. Nothing against Shilts, but no one has heard from him in ages, and it was a surprise that the channel couldn't have at least got hold of one of their Match of the Day pundits for a few comments instead. I could imaging the researchers working away in the background trying to get hold of Hansen, Shearer et al and working their way down a long list before finally ending up with Shilton. I'd had enough.
Over on the FiveLive website, some nice bold text announced that Victoria Derbyshire wanted to hear my opinion about McClaren's sacking. I tuned in. She was accompanied by Rudd, giving the odd impression that FiveLive share a room with News 24 and that Rudd had simply had to wheel her chair over a bit to get on air. I wouldn't go out of my way to listen to a football phone-in, but I can't resist them when they're on. I tend to feel a step up the evolutionary ladder when Bigoted of North London calls in to tell us his views, like anyone cares. I can imagine Alex Ferguson driving home, listening to the show, and saying to himself, 'you know, he's right. I'll take up his points with Rooney on Monday'. The pack, sensing blood, were baying for blood to be let at the FA, and Rudd seemed all too ready to hold the knife. Stop there. Stop right there. The poor old boys don't need this; they're very sorry, dontchaknow, and they're fans too. Didn't you see the press conference? You can't say that footballers are overpaid, out of touch with reality, ignorant and illiterate and make poor life decisions and in the same breath tell me that you want them to be in charge. You've just said you have no idea what the FA do; maybe you should find out before you sack them all? I wanted Brian Barwick to get on the phone and offer Dave the White Van Man the chance to come and choose the England manager, just to see if Dave could do more than say 'I fink it should be Mourinho. He dun awight at Chelsea'. Brian could ask him to sort all manner of things out; how to improve coaching at youth level, how to increase the profile of the womens' game, whether the introduction of a limit on foreigners would be viable. He didn't, and for that I think he should be sacked and replaced. By Dave.
I watched vaguely for a few more hours. McClaren gave a press conference and refused to answer any questions. Sky Sports News spread rumours and gave the odds on the identity of the next manager, coincidentally offering punters the chance to bet via the red button. All sorts of ex-internationals made a decent living giving their views and speculating, leading to a hilarious moment on Sky Sports News when Gerry Francis was told, in almost as many words, that he'd best keep talking as he was being paid for an hour. It was horrible, horrible telly, and for this reason alone I hope the next England manager is a roaring success and stays in post for a couple of decades, if not longer.
It occurred to me that the whole selection process is wrong, and it could be improved and give us something decent to watch at the same time. Hear me out.
We get an island somewhere hot, and assemble a team of judges. I'm going to stick my neck out and say we'll have Alyson Rudd - why not? - Gazza, Graham Taylor and Ray Stubbs. Then we get a whole load of celebrities loosely linked to football along with some of the serious contenders. Some can be genuine contenders, some there just to be blonde and attractive, others there for comedy value. I'm thinking Helen Chamberlain from Soccer AM, David Mellor, Alistair MacGowan, Gabby Logan. And some managers. We stick them all in a giant football which we parachute down into the jungle and release them into the wild. They have to do some management-related tasks as well as eating witchety grubs and magic mushrooms. Ant and Dec or Dick and Dom or any viewer-pulling combination of halfwits can present. It would be brilliant. I want to see Martin O'Neill wandering around the bush late at night off his face on native fungi wittering about bringing back Carlton Palmer. Andy Gray trying to drunkenly fondle Ulrika Jonsson. Graham Poll bunking down with Arsene Wenger. After ten weeks of the public voting at 25p a text (and receiving further texts at a quid a time ad infinitum), everyone wins. The FA have their money. The public have chosen their manager. And we got to watch some great sport-related TV for a change.
