Just Not Cricket

Grantston: There was major controversy this week when Grantston's one-day match against Corfe Old Boys was called to a halt by the umpires after just 12 balls had been bowled. Lead umpire and local Falklands veteran, Mike Atsnotwell, caught up with Herald Reporters to explain why.

"I'm afraid we had some concerns about the state of the pitch," Mr Atsnotwell told the Herald. "After the first over, we noticed the ground was cutting up underneath the bowler's feet as he ran in. So we paused play and inspected the ground. You can imagine my surprise when we found out the entire pitch had been laid out on a surface of warm compost! It was ridiculous; you could see onion sets and runner bean plants poking out through the turf. I consulted with the other umpire and we called the match to a halt."

Old Boys opening bowler, West Indian jobber Courtney Fish, described the conditions as reasonable. "Sure, I tried to bowl a beamer third ball, tripped over a marigold plant on the popping crease, and nearly knocked out the square leg fielder. But this is a bowling green compared to pitches in the Caribbean".

Grantston's wicketkeeper and captain, Mark Mywords, was recently deposed as chair of Grantston's Allotment Association, but denies any mis-doing: "It's a long time since Old Boys visited, and it was a simple mistake that they thought the ground used to be two miles away on the other side of the village. The cricket field's always been here. Always." he told us while picking through a patch of seed potatoes at third man. "The pitch is a bit rough, but our bowlers like something that will get a grip on the seam". When I pointed out a turnip on a good length that had in fact got so much grip on the seam that the ball popped vertically up in the air and was caught by the bowler on his follow-through, Mr Mywords did acknowledge that the club needed to replace their new lightweight roller, which is made of aluminium and weighs 25 ounces.

Grantston are hopeful of re-scheduling the match for next weekend. Opening bat, Shane Alight, has recently been laid off from the sewage plant and says he knows of 'just the venue'...

Following her success in two swimwear classes at last summer's Chideock Village Olympiad, Tyneham beauty Rachel Atkinson (19) attended a parish council reception held by the mayor in her honour yesterday.

The event was preceded by a short parade around the village green in the mayor's bicycle rickshaw. Well-wishers who lined the route were delighted to see that she was wearing the same swimsuit - an event popular enough to empty the saloon bar at the Cricketers Inn. They were disappointed however not to see her commemorative medal, which, like those of all the recent Olympiad winners, had been given to the mayor for 'safe-keeping'.

The worshipful Horace Jobson, resplendent in his new chain of office, praised the achievements of Rachel, before presenting her with a pair of gold Crocs that she had been admiring for some time in the window of Freeman Hardy Willis in Blandford.

In a tearful speech, Rachel thanked all those who had assisted, in particular the constructive advice she had received during long practice sessions behind the bar at the Cricketers. She pledged her commitment to carry on until the Tyneham event in 2012.

A large crowd enjoyed the the annual Richard Ganja Memorial Sandcastle Competition this week. The top prizes went to competitors from the Wiltshire team with their remarkable interpretations:

1. Paul Chunder, with "Dogged Resistance"
2. JK Jerome, with "Mach Two"
3. Benny Sullivan, with "For Whom the Bell Tolls"

Sadly the visiting Tyneham team failed to scoop any prizes, as all their castles rapidly collapsed before the judges could get around to see them.

Evershot manager Donny Maze was believed to be delighted at his team's performance after they dumped Puddletown out of the Dorset Intermediate Floodlit Cup last week.

Sadly, Maze's strong Studland accent prevents us from recording his words as spoken, but passing the tapes through some advanced MOD voice recognition software has yielded the following:

'Och...deleted...fitba....braw...ruferee...Gasleak...jings...Torremolinos'

Sadly the end of the game was marred when some late-working building contractors decided to move a large advertising hoarding between the pitch and the main stand just at the moment when young Don Gasleak struck the only goal of the game.

Stop Press:

Evershot progressed to the last eight of the competition last night with a fine 3-1 victory over Kington Magna. Again Donny Maze's youth policy bore fruit. 17-year-old Rod Oilwell hit the first goal from a rebound after Magna's Cynthia Petrol had blocked a goalline shot with his hand – an incident which went unnoticed by the referee but not Maze:

'Help ma boab...Petrol...hundled...ruferee...dunderheed'.

SIDMOUTH, 15 February 2009. Veterinarian Lara Dreyfus of Tyneham defied tough, windy conditions to win the Women's Senior Crazy-Golf Tournament at Sidmouth crazy-golf centre. The 65-year-old carded a seven-under par 285 to win from Weymouth's Tammy Centrifuge (68) and capture her second open title after winning at Seaton in 2004.

Ferndown's Melissa Reid (69) finished in a tie for third at five under with Chandra HeaLey (73) and Helen Loanshark (71) of Kirkaldy. Axminster’s Kathy Humber (70) and defending champion Ceri Swab (74) tied for sixth on 290.

Dreyfus fired herself up the leaderboard by picking up three shots in two holes with an eagle at the Windmill 14th and a birdie at the Split-Level 15th. However she had a mixed run over the closing holes, closing with a bogey five at the last.

Centrifuge found herself briefly in the lead when she birdied the 17th "Now you see me now you don't", but collapsed in sight of the tea rooms with suspected Hypoglycemia and had to be rushed to the infirmary.

MORETONHAMPSTEAD, 6-Feb-2009

Axminster will be licking their wounds tonight after being humiliated for the second time in a week by Lundy Island U13 on the Moretonhampstead Showgrounds. Desperate to stem the flow of consecutive defeats Axminster took the bizarre steps of experimenting with their own schoolboys and controversially resting captain Dicky Pouting. Pouting's heir apparent Mutt Clarkson took charge for the match having never lost a game as captain until tonight.

Yet again, the once-formidable Axminster batting line-up faltered in the face of the Puffin's succession of dibbly-dobblies, medium pace pies and Vettorix's cunning field placements, with the only resistance coming from Clarkson himself and Bruce Prostitute. The total however was meagre and was easily overcome by the calculating Puffins.

Clarkson went into the game fighting allegations that he is a WOM (woman over mates) after it emerged that he had been put into a Boston Crab by team-mate and opening-bat Semen Catfish during victory celebrations after a game late last year against Saltash. According to tradition, when Axminster win, a chosen player, currently Bruce Prostitute, is required to lead the team into a rendition of "I've got a brand new combined-harvester", and players cannot leave the victory celebrations until the song has been sung. Clarkson it is alleged had a red hot date with Honiton's milkmaid of the year Laura Bangle and wanted to get away early. "My protector was chafing", he said, "Catfish could bear my incessant whining no longer and that's when it all kicked off. These things happen in cricket".

Before the game, Clarkson had said that losing to Lundy Island would be unthinkable. After the game, Clarkson could only think of Laura.

An SMS has been sent to Pouting who is holidaying on the beach at Weymouth.

BARNSTAPLE, 13-Feb-2009.

Axminster clung to the Trans-Bristol Channel Trophy despite a brave push from Lundy Island in the final game of the series on Friday.

Torrential rain overnight and throughout the day in Barnstaple threatened to force an abandonment but good work from Mr Woollongabba of Barnstaple Parks Dept. ensured that a shortened match could go ahead.

Axminster batted first with Jim Hopeless promoted up the order for regular opener Mutt Clarkson who was out with his girlfriend. Hopeless fell early as did captain Dicky Pouting and the home side were soon on the ropes. But an inspired innings from gloveman Barry Hadn’t ably supported by Massey Ferguson set the tourists a handy target to chase down.

Lundy set about their task with great elan and were quickly within sight of victory when the floodgates opened. A spokesperson for Barnstaple Water Authority said that they had no idea the spillway chase was being used for recreation.

Puffin skipper Duran Vettorix was non-plussed: “If they had floodlights, we could have played on”. Pouting, who’d narrowly avoided a duck, was more philosophical. “That would have been nice with orange sauce, now I’ll need to pick up a piece of whiting and portion of chips on the way home”, he said.

With the series tied at two apiece, Axminster retain the Trans-Bristol Channel Trophy.