Christmas Jokes - Part II
Created | Updated May 3, 2002
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing
Nativity Play
An excited little boy came home one day and told his mom, "I got a part in the Christmas play!"
"What part?" asked his mother.
"I'm one of the three wise guys!" was the reply.
Good King Wenceslas
Pizza Hut: 'And how would you like your pizza?'
Good King Wenceslas: 'Deep pan, crisp and even.'
The Top Ten Internet Christmas Songs
- 'Twas the 'Net before Christmas
- Santa Claus is modem to town
- Up On The Desktop
- "Quark", The Herald Angels Sing
- Gateway In A Manger
- The First AOL
- INTEL IT On The Mountain
- .COM All Ye Faithful
- JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
- Joy To The World Wide Web
Lawyers' Seasonal Greeting
From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called
the wishee") Please accept without obligation,
implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally
conscious, socially responsible, politically correct,
low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration
of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the
most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to
practice religious or secular traditions at all...
and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
or sects, and having regard to the race, creed,
colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform or dietary preference of the
wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-
- This greeting is subject to further clarification or
withdrawal - This greeting is freely transferable provided that
no alteration shall be made to the original greeting
and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are
acknowledged. - This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to
actually implement any of the wishes. - This greeting may not be enforceable in certain
jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may
not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion
of the wishor. - This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably
may be expected within the usual application of good
tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. - The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the wishor. - Any references in this greeting to "the Lord","Father
Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures,
whether actual or fictitious, dead, alive or risen, shall not
imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this
greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced
third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
20 ways to confuse Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a
policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry,
but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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