Supermarkets

When I do my shopping, how come I pick

The trolley with one wonky wheel – it's a trick

A conspiracy by the great Sainsburys boss

To make me spend more cos I'm so flippin' cross,

There's abandoned trollies and foreign shelf stackers

I can't reach my baked beans and Jacobs cream crackers

I can't find bananas the right size and shape

Their bendiness now ruled by Euro red-tape

And just how much plastic is needed to wrap 'em?

(I used to buy mine from a stall down in Clapham)

And then at the cash desk, there's some spotty creep

Who can't work the scanning machine that goes bleep

Well, I know the price, and it's 2 pounds and 18

So half an hour later why am I still waiting?

I try to go home, but my exit's not eased

By some numpty who's stopped to locate their car keys

Politicians

Oooh, MPs expenses are no laughing matter

Taxpayers get poorer while they just get fatter

I've paid for their duck ponds, their porn and wisteria

It's no bloomin' wonder I'm near to hysteria

The young

Ah the youth of today with their iPods and Wiis

And playstation games like expensive CDs

In my day we made do wi' an old tyre's innards

And we played all day outside till oor Mam yelled "Dinner!"

I watch the skateboarders show aff down the street

There's too many e-numbers inside their sweets!

Can they not read a book, 'stead of bingeing on candy?

When I were a lad, I read Beano and Dandy.

The clothes that they wear border on the ridic'lous

Wi' trousers that hang down below their particulars

Showing their bums like some ape in the zoos

And did nobody learn them to lace up their shoes?

Modern technology

And how come we've managed to fly to the Moon

But my post don't get here until mid-afternoon?

I can chat using Skype to my son in Australia

But still I don't know the first name of my neighbour

Bankers

Oh don't get me started on those fat-cat bankers

With bonuses measured in millions, the scoundrels

And with all their cleverness, nobody saw

That a scheme based on sub-prime had one tiny flaw...

The base rate's been slashed to a mere 1%

And no-one can tell me just where it all went!

In my day the manager walked tall with pride

But now it's a job title you'd rather hide

The branches are closing, wine bars in their place

Gone are the days when you talked face to face

Now it's all call centres based in Bombay

And to get through will take you the whole ruddy day

Drivers

These speed merchants racing by day and by night

Complaining the Gatso speed camera's not right

So what's all the hurry, why the stampede?

When I drive at 30 that's plenty of speed.

TV

The telly's all rubbish, Big Brother, X-factor

Reality shows—it's time we got back to

Some quality programmes like Morecombe and Wise

Tell Trisha, and Springer to wave their goodbyes.

The jungle's too good for celebrity chefs,

And makeover shows where the garden's a mess

Auction your junk, let us paint your lounge orange

Says that floppy-haired frilly-sleeved ponce called Laurence

Women

What is it wi' weemin and posh scented candles

That cost £20? It's a right bloody scandal!

And how can she always be needing new shoes?

One for work, one for kirk, one for muck, that should do.

Health

The wards have no beds, and with germs they are rife.

The doctors can't decide what's good for long life...

I like my bread buttered, with red wine to sup

Are they OK this week or should I give them up?

Wheelie bins

We've bins of all colours, but watch out what you

Put into the green, when it should be in blue

It's 2 weeks between the collections, and if

You get the wrong bin then prepare for some whiff.

I still call them binmen but that's not PC

They're "sanitation engineers", d'ye see?

Course they all get pensions and holiday pay

Not like my oul man who worked 10 hours each day

Crime and punishment.

String them up! Let us make an example to others

Instead of just sending them home to their mothers

These soft touch new prisons with TVs and gyms

Are useless – we need to get tough on all crims

I tell you this country is in a right state

It's been a long time now since Britain was great

And you can clear off now you've read all my verse

For your stupid comments will no doubt just make a grumpy old man feel much much worse!