The h2g2 Post Horoscope
Created | Updated Jan 31, 2002
The following is an edited version of my recent address to the Earth and Physical Disciplines Department given at their very attractive lecture hall in Crocodile Dundee College, Royal Adelaide University, where I was invited to speak in my role as an international delegate of the Royal New Zealand Astrology Institute. After my talk, I was told that my star forecast for 2002 was 'very interesting'. I was then shown a very attractive door.
CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)
You're as wild as a baboon, a perfect storm, gorgeous and terrible, and your sudden lusts can attack like an erotic whirwind. News to hand: the pages of 2002 will quickly riffle towards a happy ending. Peace is upon you. Why rattle the cage? You always knew the love of your life would wear a white jacket.
AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)
How you survived last year is anybody's guess, and you are due for a reward. A different kind of love is on the horizon. Very different. Remember: the law is an ass. Take precautions. Bathe often. Do you have health insurance? Watch what you say to strangers. Get yourself a pet. No baboons, please.
PISCES (February 20-March 20)
You are almost certain to change residence, career and romantic partner, but no one will be unduly bothered. Choose a worthy cause. Thankless devotion to the welfare of others is its own reward. Donate an organ, preferably yours. Avoid coffee, TV, New York.
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Academic research shows that 2002 is in fact the Chinese Year of the Jackass. Loosen up, indulge yourself' Wear orange. Lash out at enemies, and never fail to tell your friends the exact nature of their short-comings. Spreading gossip will get you talked about, and that's what you want this year. Also, you don't drink enough. Do something about it immediately. Cheers!
TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
See your family doctor as soon as you possibly can. A philosophical attitude ought to see you through the worst of it. You've had a good run; time to put your house in order, make your apologies, do unto others. You always were more use to others on your back. Remember: you have a friend in Jesus.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
You're a chump, an oaf, a galoot, secretive, open all hours, shy, up for it, beautiful in the eyes of maybe three beholders, no oil painting, legendary for minutes at a time, forgettable, hopeless with money, charitable, dumb, impossible, nice enough, diabolical, quite a catch, profoundly alone, and you drink too much. Same again this year.
CANCER (June 22-July 23)
Financial collapse. Mental instability. Sudden mood swings. Hair loss. Loss of appetite. Joyless promiscuity. Carnal urges. Rabid political views. An ennui bordering on self-disgust ... This just could be a difficult year for you at work and at home. Chin up! Worse things have happened at sea. It might be wise to avoid water.
LEO (July 24-August 23)
Your romantic prospects look a bit grim, but that's only inside your own warbling head. You really are a good egg, lovely and smart, and a change in wardrobe would see you scrub up well - wear this year's new black, not last year's new black. Watch out for that horrible scheming bitch at work. It might be wise to mind your language.
VIRGO (August 24-September 23)
Everyone thinks you're immaculate, unruffled, carefree, but you know what troubled secrets you harbour in your bosom. The long lunch of the soul is a thing of the past. Time to get serious, even Presbyterian: the trick will be to deny yourself any pleasure. Listen to your parents, Crowded House, National Radio on Saturday mornings, and watch your weight. Wear last year's new black.
LIBRA (September 24-October 23)
Thrift is a vice. Has penny-pinching ever given you a laugh? Listen carefully: buried deep, deep inside you is a voice beseeching you to throw money around like nobody's business. Give to friends, to strangers, and above all at the bar. You don't drink enough. Do something about it immediately. Remember: it's your shout. Cheers!
SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)
You will be ultra-sensitive to sound. Your voice is melodious, and people take notice. Sing in or out of the shower! It's one of those years: you really will be a happy, smiling, pain in the ass. Fair enough. Enjoy it while you can. Maintain self-deception. Avoid negative people, criticism, reality.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 22)
You can be a bit of a swine. Good for you. Making fun of others is one of the more worthwhile pastimes in modern life. Keep it up, but remember to laugh at yourself as a bleak 2002 unfolds. Insufficient funds and emotional transactions denied: this is your year of barely living.
