So who the heck am I?

I am currently a resident of the fine English County of Sussex. To be more specific I live in Brighton, which as a place the rest of Sussex view with a certain amount of suspicion owing to it being full of homosexuals; trendy lefties; new agers; students and all manner of other undesirables. Me, well despite only partially fitting into one of the above categories, I love it here

Of course I've not always lived here. Oh no. My life got off to a rough start. I was born in a Watford suburb, not even in the main town, no, but in suburb. You could call it being born in the armpit of the armpit. To try to cheer me up Bobby Moore and the rest of the lads from West Ham won the World Cup to celebrate my birth, which was nice of them.

Fortunately the disguises fooled the guards and I was able to slip out under the wire and escape to West Somerset. Its a very pretty part of the world, dull, but very pretty¹. I didn't really fit in with the locals, mainly because I wasn't married to my cousin and I don't fancy .

After a quick sojourn back in Hertfordshire (not Watford, somewhere worse) I moved to Sheffield. Now for those of you who don't know, Sheffield is much like Rome in that it is built on seven hills, only its better than Rome. Much better. There are some people out there who don't like the city, but not to worry I've called the they are having a bit of lie down, and I'm sure they will recover in time.

One day I will return there. In the meantime, well I'm just waiting for my house to go up in value even more

Or to put it another way...

Or again in terms you lot might understand...