Ladies and gentlemen of the School Board:

We have gathered today to determine whether intelligent design should be taught in our classrooms. The theory of intelligent design can be summed up as follows: life is too complex to have arisen accidentally; therefore it must have been created by an intelligent entity. Please pay no attention to my esteemed colleague who paraphrased this as 'I'm too stupid to figure out how it happened; therefore God did it.' Such innuendo is neither charitable nor helpful.

Instead, to help you determine whether the concept of intelligent design is worthy of inclusion in our schools' science curriculum, I submit the following into evidence. I will leave it to each of you to decide if these items result from intelligent and purposeful actions:

• Mimes
• Duck-billed platypusses. Platypi. Platypouses. Whatever
• Hair growing out of your ears
• George W Bush
• Vegemite
• Reality TV
• Windows^tm in all its incarnations
• Mobile phones
• Sex¹
• Eyeless fish
• Tonsils and appendixes. Appendices. Appendisseses. Whatever
• Flightless birds
• Influenza
• Hiccups
• Tornadoes
• Rap music
• Politicians
• Black holes
• Cockroaches
• 'Lite' beer
• Coprolites²
• Artificial 'live' Christmas trees
• Nipples on men
• Cancer
• Poison ivy
• Brussels sprouts
• Puberty
• Warthogs
• Warts
• Wiener dogs
• Department store Santas
• Quicksand
• Bagpipes
• Boogers³
• Squid
• Tsunamis
• Monsoons
• Droughts
• Flatulence
• Talk radio
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster

I rest my case.

Running With Scissors Archive

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12.01.06 Front Page

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