The 168th Greatest Story in the Universe - A Tribute (Part 1 & 2)
Created | Updated Jan 5, 2004
Tezza, Tel, Mr T. Doesn't matter how you interpreted it he just wasn't happy with it. There was something distinctly disturbing about Terry Horowitz' name that he couldn't quite place.
He'd been to physiatrists, doctors, various experts, he'd even tried the opticians in case it was the way he was looking at his name. All of whom could not find an answer. Coincidently all these people bizarrely decided to quit their jobs shortly after, which added more concern to his already furrowed brow.
The 34 year old carpenter, had always felt sort of out of sync with the world, as if he'd never been properly put in. A bit of botched job. However, the enormity of it didn't actually strike him, until he walked through his closed bathroom door. Of course he was half a sleep at the time, so technically he didn't notice it until the second time he walked through it.
Now at this point one would usually expect someone to go "What the hell happened there?", but instead just said : "Well that explains a lot". However his follow up reaction to this was : "Why did I say that, I've just walked through a bleeding door!", and normal reactions such as running up and down and hiding in the corner for a couple of hours soon kicked in.
Eventually he decided to try to go through the door again, but it didn't work. Now he was in pain (after banging his head), as well as confused. He tried a few different ways of going through the door but nothing worked. He eventually decided he must have imagined it, leaned on the door and fell through it again.
For a few seconds he just stared at the other side of the door that he had just fallen through. He touched the door. Yes it was solid. Then he pinched himself, yes he was solid. So how did he (a solid object) manage fall through a solid door.
He decided to film it. He needed to prove this to someone if he couldn't do it again. So he got the camera out and tried to blank his mind. Unfortunately there was somebody yelling outside, distracting him (which if he'd thought about it would have been exactly what he was looking for, but he didn't). He explained to them that he needed quiet, but unfortunately Terry wasn't very good at explaining things, and so one of the two men who were arguing, started having a go at him.
"What do you want mate?", inquired the man.
Terry gave a frustrated look, given he had already tried to explain what he wanted. "Look will you just be quiet, I need to concentrate."
"Yeah, with what? Your just a pervert aren't you I know what your up to!"<br/>
"What?!!! No, I'm not like that. Your not listening. If you must know I need to fall through a door", which Terry immediately regretted saying, as both men started laughing inanely.<br/>
"Your a sadist then!", said the man.<br/>
"Look just go away will you!"<br/>
The man then came face to face with Terry, almost so their noses touched. "Don't mess in other peoples affairs."<br/>
"I wouldn't have to if you did this somewhere else"<br/>
The man grabbed Terry by the throat. "I'll say it again. Mind your own affairs."
Now there are two things you should know about Terry before this continues : 1) That he is not a great diplomat, and 2) That he has a mortal fear of being grabbed by the neck. So that when the man grabbed him by the neck, Terry immediately kicked the man in the groin. Unfortunately for Terry however, the man in front of him was a part time cricketer, and was going to a practice match when the argument broke out wearing his groin protector. So the only effect that Terry's kick had was for the man to drop Terry to the floor (as it is still a shock, even if it isn't as painful), and that Terry now had a very saw knee.
"Help!" yelled Terry at some people at the end of the road. Unfortunately they, were the cricketer' mates, so they just stood and looked amused at the situation.
"You'll pay for that", and he picked up Terry. When his fist struck Terry, the normal scenario of the person being hit going unconscious occurred, but the problem was that the bit where the man being hit, hits the ground didn't, and instead carried on falling through the ground. This was a shock to the cricketer (who's name was Alan) and to all his mates. However, they knew no one would believe them, and they all went quietly barmy, and were never seen again.
As for Terry he kept falling through the ground until he hit an abandoned underground Train platform. Terry wouldn't notice this for a good half hour until he woke up. Of course he regretted that the moment it happened.
"Who are you?!!", Terry awoke to see a bearded warn old mans face. “Go find your own place you lazy drunk. This is mine!”
Terry was just gathering his bearings as the old man threatened him again. “Are you deaf? Scram!”
“Who are you?”, asked Terry.
“I’m the Easter bunny. What does it look like? I’m a tramp.”
“And you live here?”
The tramp looked at Terry wondering if he was all there. “You catch on quickly don’t you.”
“But this is a Train station.”
“Yes! This is a train station, now are you going to get off my bed or do I have to throw you off!”
Realizing where he was, he quickly got off the bed. Well bed was a strong word for the collection of rags that were in the corner of the old underground platform, but given that the man was obviously in a bad mood Terry felt it probably wasn’t the best time to bring this up.
“Thank you! Now go away, and never come back!”
As he got up Terry had a sudden flash back. He recalled being hit by a 6 foot tall bruiser outside his house, and not much afterwards. Had they taken him down here? And if so where were they now.
“Excuse me”, asked Terry as politely as he could with an aching head.
“Didn’t I just tell you to go away?”
“Yes. I was just wondering if you’d seen anyone carry me in here. Or if you’d seen any strange men leaving here.”
“Do you want me to hit you? I’ve got a weapon… around here some where…”, the tramp started routing around in his rags. “I’m not afraid to use it you know!”.
Undeterred Terry carried on “Look, will you please just tell me if you’ve seen anyone other than me in here.”
While still looking for his weapon the tramp continued. “Look I ain’t seen no one. And no one has seen me, except you. And if you go away every one will be nice and happy, ok?”
Seeing that he wasn’t going to get much further with this guy, Terry thought about where he was going to go. He needed to find somewhere to think.
“How do you get out of here?”, Terry asked
“Oh so you’ve finally decided to go then have you? Well you can go down either direction on the tracks, both should take you somewhere. But if you go out that door…”, he pointed to a battered piece of hard board about the size of a door frame leaning against a hole in the brick wall on the platform, “… you should find yourself outside soon enough. You ain’t seen me though. Right?”
“Erm, yeah, sure.”, replied Terry. He decided that going up seemed a good idea, so went towards the “door”. Looking at the wooden board it seemed a simple enough task to move it. Of course the fact that Terry’s hands couldn’t actually grab the board hindered things a bit. They just couldn't get a purchase on it. He tried again. Nothing.
The memories all came flooding back.
The incident with the bathroom door. Did that have something to do with all this?
He tried to walk through the wooden board, but that didn’t work. He just ended up cracking his head. He tried numerous ways of getting through the hole, none of which worked, as he just could not grab hold of the piece of wood, and couldn’t walk through it.
While this was all going on the tramp went in to a fit of hysterics. He couldn’t believe the struggle Terry was having.
“You’ve never done those ‘Mr Muscle’ adverts have you?”, said the tramp, and burst in to laughter again.
Terry, who was now red from persistence, gave up on the wooden board, and decided to walk towards the track, however when he got within a few feet of the edge of the platform, he tripped over. He got up, walked a few feet and tripped over again. He tried it again and again but nothing seemed to work. It was as if something was deliberately stopping him
“Your not having much luck today are you mate?”, laughed the tramp.
Terry had, had enough. “Can’t you do anything but just lie there, and laugh at me?”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s not my fault you’re a pitiful little weakling”
It was at this point that Terry’s lack of diplomatic skills came to the fore, and ran towards the tramp. However he didn’t get as far as the tramp, as he disappeared through the floor, and started hurtling through the ground.
The tramp smiled. “That’ll teach him”. And he dozed off.
He'd been to physiatrists, doctors, various experts, he'd even tried the opticians in case it was the way he was looking at his name. All of whom could not find an answer. Coincidently all these people bizarrely decided to quit their jobs shortly after, which added more concern to his already furrowed brow.
The 34 year old carpenter, had always felt sort of out of sync with the world, as if he'd never been properly put in. A bit of botched job. However, the enormity of it didn't actually strike him, until he walked through his closed bathroom door. Of course he was half a sleep at the time, so technically he didn't notice it until the second time he walked through it.
Now at this point one would usually expect someone to go "What the hell happened there?", but instead just said : "Well that explains a lot". However his follow up reaction to this was : "Why did I say that, I've just walked through a bleeding door!", and normal reactions such as running up and down and hiding in the corner for a couple of hours soon kicked in.
Eventually he decided to try to go through the door again, but it didn't work. Now he was in pain (after banging his head), as well as confused. He tried a few different ways of going through the door but nothing worked. He eventually decided he must have imagined it, leaned on the door and fell through it again.
For a few seconds he just stared at the other side of the door that he had just fallen through. He touched the door. Yes it was solid. Then he pinched himself, yes he was solid. So how did he (a solid object) manage fall through a solid door.
He decided to film it. He needed to prove this to someone if he couldn't do it again. So he got the camera out and tried to blank his mind. Unfortunately there was somebody yelling outside, distracting him (which if he'd thought about it would have been exactly what he was looking for, but he didn't). He explained to them that he needed quiet, but unfortunately Terry wasn't very good at explaining things, and so one of the two men who were arguing, started having a go at him.
"What do you want mate?", inquired the man.
Terry gave a frustrated look, given he had already tried to explain what he wanted. "Look will you just be quiet, I need to concentrate."
"Yeah, with what? Your just a pervert aren't you I know what your up to!"<br/>
"What?!!! No, I'm not like that. Your not listening. If you must know I need to fall through a door", which Terry immediately regretted saying, as both men started laughing inanely.<br/>
"Your a sadist then!", said the man.<br/>
"Look just go away will you!"<br/>
The man then came face to face with Terry, almost so their noses touched. "Don't mess in other peoples affairs."<br/>
"I wouldn't have to if you did this somewhere else"<br/>
The man grabbed Terry by the throat. "I'll say it again. Mind your own affairs."
Now there are two things you should know about Terry before this continues : 1) That he is not a great diplomat, and 2) That he has a mortal fear of being grabbed by the neck. So that when the man grabbed him by the neck, Terry immediately kicked the man in the groin. Unfortunately for Terry however, the man in front of him was a part time cricketer, and was going to a practice match when the argument broke out wearing his groin protector. So the only effect that Terry's kick had was for the man to drop Terry to the floor (as it is still a shock, even if it isn't as painful), and that Terry now had a very saw knee.
"Help!" yelled Terry at some people at the end of the road. Unfortunately they, were the cricketer' mates, so they just stood and looked amused at the situation.
"You'll pay for that", and he picked up Terry. When his fist struck Terry, the normal scenario of the person being hit going unconscious occurred, but the problem was that the bit where the man being hit, hits the ground didn't, and instead carried on falling through the ground. This was a shock to the cricketer (who's name was Alan) and to all his mates. However, they knew no one would believe them, and they all went quietly barmy, and were never seen again.
As for Terry he kept falling through the ground until he hit an abandoned underground Train platform. Terry wouldn't notice this for a good half hour until he woke up. Of course he regretted that the moment it happened.
"Who are you?!!", Terry awoke to see a bearded warn old mans face. “Go find your own place you lazy drunk. This is mine!”
Terry was just gathering his bearings as the old man threatened him again. “Are you deaf? Scram!”
“Who are you?”, asked Terry.
“I’m the Easter bunny. What does it look like? I’m a tramp.”
“And you live here?”
The tramp looked at Terry wondering if he was all there. “You catch on quickly don’t you.”
“But this is a Train station.”
“Yes! This is a train station, now are you going to get off my bed or do I have to throw you off!”
Realizing where he was, he quickly got off the bed. Well bed was a strong word for the collection of rags that were in the corner of the old underground platform, but given that the man was obviously in a bad mood Terry felt it probably wasn’t the best time to bring this up.
“Thank you! Now go away, and never come back!”
As he got up Terry had a sudden flash back. He recalled being hit by a 6 foot tall bruiser outside his house, and not much afterwards. Had they taken him down here? And if so where were they now.
“Excuse me”, asked Terry as politely as he could with an aching head.
“Didn’t I just tell you to go away?”
“Yes. I was just wondering if you’d seen anyone carry me in here. Or if you’d seen any strange men leaving here.”
“Do you want me to hit you? I’ve got a weapon… around here some where…”, the tramp started routing around in his rags. “I’m not afraid to use it you know!”.
Undeterred Terry carried on “Look, will you please just tell me if you’ve seen anyone other than me in here.”
While still looking for his weapon the tramp continued. “Look I ain’t seen no one. And no one has seen me, except you. And if you go away every one will be nice and happy, ok?”
Seeing that he wasn’t going to get much further with this guy, Terry thought about where he was going to go. He needed to find somewhere to think.
“How do you get out of here?”, Terry asked
“Oh so you’ve finally decided to go then have you? Well you can go down either direction on the tracks, both should take you somewhere. But if you go out that door…”, he pointed to a battered piece of hard board about the size of a door frame leaning against a hole in the brick wall on the platform, “… you should find yourself outside soon enough. You ain’t seen me though. Right?”
“Erm, yeah, sure.”, replied Terry. He decided that going up seemed a good idea, so went towards the “door”. Looking at the wooden board it seemed a simple enough task to move it. Of course the fact that Terry’s hands couldn’t actually grab the board hindered things a bit. They just couldn't get a purchase on it. He tried again. Nothing.
The memories all came flooding back.
The incident with the bathroom door. Did that have something to do with all this?
He tried to walk through the wooden board, but that didn’t work. He just ended up cracking his head. He tried numerous ways of getting through the hole, none of which worked, as he just could not grab hold of the piece of wood, and couldn’t walk through it.
While this was all going on the tramp went in to a fit of hysterics. He couldn’t believe the struggle Terry was having.
“You’ve never done those ‘Mr Muscle’ adverts have you?”, said the tramp, and burst in to laughter again.
Terry, who was now red from persistence, gave up on the wooden board, and decided to walk towards the track, however when he got within a few feet of the edge of the platform, he tripped over. He got up, walked a few feet and tripped over again. He tried it again and again but nothing seemed to work. It was as if something was deliberately stopping him
“Your not having much luck today are you mate?”, laughed the tramp.
Terry had, had enough. “Can’t you do anything but just lie there, and laugh at me?”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s not my fault you’re a pitiful little weakling”
It was at this point that Terry’s lack of diplomatic skills came to the fore, and ran towards the tramp. However he didn’t get as far as the tramp, as he disappeared through the floor, and started hurtling through the ground.
The tramp smiled. “That’ll teach him”. And he dozed off.
