In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 10, 2003
I am the proud owner of what is widely known as man's best friend. But my dog isn't any ordinary dog, Oh no! Most 'normal' dogs sit... roll over... fetch and speak... but MY K9 is far too sophisticated and refined to perform such menial tasks. Why, my dog can sleep! Drool! Urinate on the living room carpet! Who needs a dog that can get you the morning paper when you've got one that can get you the morning paper and shred it to pieces before you have a chance to read it?!
Yes, I'm learning to cope with the fact that my dog is ludicrously stupid. He has a total intelligence level equal to that of cottage cheese. Despite our efforts, no trick can be taught to this bean can of a dog. No matter how many times you say 'sit', Doogie (that being his name) merely sits there staring at you, head cocked with the same expression a five year old would give an advanced economics professor. If he weren't so devastatingly adorable, we would have probably sold him for something more useful... like a third kidney. But, alas, his secret weapon keeps us from involuntarily kicking him in the head everytime we find the suprise he's left us in the laundry basket1.
To fully demonstrate the magnitude of stupidity my dog has reached, allow me to inform you of a typical me/dog interaction:
- ME: Here, Doogie.
- DOG: (blank stare)
- ME: C'mere, dog.
- DOG: (blank stare)
- ME: C'mon, stupid!
- DOG: (blank stare - then, in a moment of triumph, when the little seed of intellect still left in his mind finally battles its way to the nervous system, he bolts toward me in a manner that, if slowed down, would not be unlike a Mighty Dog commercial. Just when I thought I would receive the fruits of my labour, he takes a sharp 90 degree turn and chases his tail in a circle, biting madly, as thought IT had been calling his name all along)
As you can see, there's little hope in store for Doogie by means of cranial activity. Not only is he lacking in intelligence, he's also completely void of politeness. It's interesting to watch, really, but if you were to walk in our front door, Doogie would immediately be right there, yapping and biting at your ankles as though you were attempting to rob the house. After that little extravaganza is over, he'll completely ignore your presence, almost going so far as to avoid you, until the fatal moment when you wish to leave, when the yapping/biting process starts up again. Why he spends such an insane amount of time on you during your arrival/departure and not the actual duration of your stay is beyond anyone in my family. We don't ask... partially because he can't talk, but mostly because we don't want to know.
Being the fluffy-type dog, he's also learned2 to become wary of linoleum. Why? Because excess speeds on linoleum floors while wearing a dog-ish type fur coat can lead to slippage, and ultimately your head smashing into the basement door. Just ask my dog.
Dogs are smarter than cats? My butt they are. At least cats are smart enough not to mistake your dirty undergarments for a medium-well steak. Even so, I love my puppie-wuppie3 and wouldn't trade him for the world... the entire galaxy, maybe, but that's a different story. Here's to all your dumb dogs, and may the force be with the both of you. Signing out; dog's got my chemistry homework.
Your Little h2g2'er,
