Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - L
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
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| LA | n | Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. From mud slides to brush fires. |
| Labor | n | One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Lackland's Laws | n | (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. (3) Never volunteer for anything |
| Lactic | adj | A grandfather clock which doesn't work. |
| Lactomangulation | n | Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| Lambpoon | v | To make fun of sheep. |
| Langsam's Laws | pl, n | (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. |
| Larkinson's Law | n | All laws are basically false. |
| laser | n | Failed death ray. |
| Laura's Law | n | No child throws up in the bathroom. |
| Law of Communications | n | The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. |
| Law of Continuity | n | Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way. |
| Law of Probable Dispersal | n | Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
| Law of Procrastination | n | Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. |
| Law of Selective Gravity | n | An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. |
| Law of the Jungle | n | He who hesitates is lunch. |
| Law of the Yukon | n | Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. |
| Laws of Computer Programming | pl, n | (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. |
| Laws of Serendipity | pl, n | (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. |
| lawsuit | n | A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. -- Ambrose Bierce |
| lawyer | n | Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too closely." |
| Lawyer's Rule | n | When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. |
| Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom | n | No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. |
| learning curve | n | An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it. |
| Lee's Law | n | Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many! |
| Leibowitz's Rule | n | When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. |
| Lemma: All horses are the same color | Proof (by induction): Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. | |
| leverage | n | Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. |
| Lewis's Law of Travel | n | The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. |
| Liar | n | (1)A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" (2)one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver Herford |
| liberal | n | Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. |
| Lie | n | A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. |
| Lieberman's Law | n | Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. |
| life | n | (1) A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. (2) Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. (3) That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. (4) A sexually-transmitted terminal disease. |
| lighthouse | n | A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. |
| like | v | When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. |
| Linus' Law | n | There is no heavier burden than a great potential. |
| lisp | v | To call a spade a thpade. |
| Little Known Fact | n | Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get the BMW repair garage? |
| Loan | n | Something a bank will give you if you can prove you don't need it. |
| Lockwood's Long Shot | n | The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. |
| Logic Circuit | n | A tour of Albert Einstein's house. |
| Log Off | v | Don't add any more wood. See also Log On, Monitor, Download and Floppy Disc |
| Log On | v | Make the barbie hotter. See also Log On, Monitor, Download and Floppy Disc |
| Loop, Endless | n | See Endless Loop -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary |
| love | n,v | n(1)Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. (2)When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. (3)When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure. (4)When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. (5)When, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. vI'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. |
| Lowery's Law | n | If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. |
| Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology | n | There's always one more bug. |
| Lucky | adj | When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work. |
| Lunatic Asylum | n | The place where optimism most flourishes. |
| Luser | n | Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date. |
