This article first appeared as the entire appendix of the first edition. It has been summarised here as a short form reminder for those amongst our readership who have forgotten where they are, who they are, and are suffering from brain damage after a rough night in a spaceport bar.

The idea of hitchhiking is simple, to see the universe for as little money as possible. Until the universe accepts anti-money as an acceptable alternative to hard currency there are certain facts that must be faced head on so you can get going.

(Anti-money: Wherever you go and whatever you do, someone pays you to be there and do it. This is called professional journalism.)

1. Wherever you are is not where you want to be. This stands to reason otherwise you would simply get a job, go on holiday and be satisfied with the narrow horizons the course of action presents.
2. Travelling in comfort is out of your price range. This is a given. Hitchhiking at no point involves the tedious financial and security elements that plague the average traveller. Money is to be saved for emergencies, like food and hangover medication, rather than the legal methods of getting about.
3. You are curious about the universe. Hitchhiking involves a certain amount of hardship, sleeping rough, facing hideous dangers and constantly smelling like an armpit. If you are going to put up with all that just to see the grubbier bits of remote planets you've go to be pretty damned curious.
4. You are looking for something. Most hitchhikers agree this is the case but are, to a being, completely unclear as to what it is. Philosophers speculate that the endless journey represents a spiritual cleansing, but realists assert that it is for 'kicks, booze and the avoidance of employment.'

In order to get started (and in fewer cases, keep going) you will need a few things.

1. A towel. If you don't know why, go home and stay there, the universe is too dangerous without one.
2. A thumb. Any kind of sub-ether signalling device to attract passing spacecraft will do, provided you use it sparingly, only on commercial craft, or whenever else you feel like it. Those travellers who have forgotten this item will tell you, at length, that getting stranded on some remote rock is NO FUN AT ALL.
3. Indigestion medication. You will be eating some weird things that only occasionally qualify as actual food. Don't be fooled by the mouth-watering advertising, what you actually get will always be undercooked, ground mammal in baked grass seed paste.
4. Alcohol. You will always be welcome in company if you have something to drink. It can also be used to disinfect some of your nastier bites. However, in most civilisations, it is considered rude to do both at the same time.
5. Items to swap. A small bag containing broken glass (for Dentrassi to sprinkle into Vogon's food), a history of your planet (so sophisticated beings can see how primitive you are and take pity on you), a virus (so you can reprogram uncooperative spaceport vending machines and cheer up hungry spaceship captains), and any of a thousand other things that might come in handy.
6. A credit chip. You may not have any money but attempting to pay is always more welcome than just running for it after you've finished a round of drinks.
7. A weapon. Not essential, as weapons tend to cause more problems than they cure, but a concealed stunner can help in the risker regions of the universe to get you out of muggings, unwanted relationships, unpaid bar bills or just to stun food that is still wriggling on your plate.
8. A Babel Fish. So announcements of 'Tril ar kaeid mi felid moond alarroo!' make sense and stop you from getting killed by standing too close to a spaceship when the launch alarm goes off.
9. Vitreous squid. So you can read the 'Felid moond alarroo!' sign.

Now the important bit.

How to hitchhike.

1. Find a spaceship. This is not as complicated as it sounds. In fact congestion in some of the remoter areas of the universe is becoming a bit of a problem as rich tourists try to 'get away from it all'.
2. Find out where the ship is going. Make sure it isn't going into a war zone or is scheduled for demolition. This is why it is vitally important to hang out in spaceport bars.
3. Sneak or bribe your way on board.
4. Hide. Discovery can result in an unscheduled and terminal end to your journey.
5. Prepare for space travel. Drink heavily if you can. It will help. Grip your towel firmly between your feet.
6. After the journey is finished, remain hidden. Take your towel from behind your head and put it somewhere safe.
7. Once the ship has docked wait for the crew to disembark and give them enough time to get several drinks inside them.
8. Sneak off the ship.
9. Run away.

That's it. Good luck.

Entry Ends.

The Lost Transmissions Archive

Tim Stevenson

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