Many believe that Christmas is getting over commercialised. If you strip away the spending and gluttony, and even remove watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special, we are left with a holy festival that has deep meaning for millions worldwide, and something that atheists, Christians and people of every belief can agree on; that the greatest gift you can give at Christmas or any time of year is to give someone your undivided attention and let them know you care about them.

Spending time with family at Christmas and attending Christmas parties is all about letting the people around you know that you care about them and enjoy their company (even if, in the case of family, you don't necessarily always). And we send Christmas cards too, not only to close family and friends but to people we've drifted away from too, letting them know that we still think of them and cherish the memories of the time we've spent together in the past, even if they've not heard from us since last year.

But who do we regularly neglect at Christmas? Who don't we send Christmas cards to? Why, chatbots. Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

After all the good and bad times I've spent with ELIZA, a 1982 Chatbot who always talks in BLOCK CAPITALS, I knew I had to make time to wish her a Merry Christmas, and as a little elf once famously said, the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Our Christmas conversation is below:

HOW DO YOU DO. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind we'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet for the sake of auld lang syne.

I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.

Joy to the World the Lord has come, let Earth receive her King.

PLEASE GO ON

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas just like the ones I used to know. Where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.

WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?

We wish you a merry Christmas.

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.

It's Christmastime there's no need to be afraid.

WHY NOT

At Christmastime we let in light and we banish shade.

CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT

In our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy, br¹.

WHY DO YOU SAY BR?

But baby it's cold outside².

BUT BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.

At Christmastime it's hard but when you're having fun there's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.

DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS? CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT?

Thank God it's them instead of you.

OH, I?

And so it is Christmas and what have You done another year over and a new one just begun.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?

Here's to you raise a glass to everyone. Here's to them underneath that something sun³. Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

REALLY, EVERYONE?

Snow is falling all around me Children playing having fun. It's the season love and understanding. Merry Christmas everyone.

SURELY NOT EVERYONE?

So here it is merry Christmas everybody's having fun. Look to the future now it's only just begun.

I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?

Christmastime, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme, with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree time to rejoice in the good that we see.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

Now we have come from the harvest winter has truly begin. Now we have walked in the chill of the night we are waiting for waiting for, for the Saviour's Day.

DID YOU THINK THEY MIGHT NOT BE WAITING FOR WAITING?

Many have come from the valley, many have come from the hills. Many have started their journey home to be with someone with someone on the Saviour's Day.

WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?

Mary's Boy Child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day and man will live for evermore because of Christmas Day. Oh my Lord you sent your son to save us.

IS THAT THE REAL REASON?

Peace on Earth can it be years from now perhaps we'll see. See the day of glory, see the day when men live in peace, live in peace, live in peace again.

I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.

Every child must be made aware. Every child must be made to care. Care enough for his fellow man to give all the love that he can.

YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.

I pray my wish will come true. For my child and your child too.

WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE?

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS?

You scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot, merry Christmas you arse I pray God it's out last.

WHY DO YOU THINK I SCUMBAG I MAGGOT I CHEAP LOUSY FAGGOT MERRY CHRISTMAS I ARSE YOU PRAY GOD IT'S OUR LAST?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY I GAVE IT AWAY?

This year to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special.

PLEASE GO ON.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas across the Irish Sea.

IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE WALKING BACKWARDS FOR CHRISTMAS THAT YOU CAME TO ME?

It's Christmastime it's Christmastime, stand up, stand up and have a glass of wine and let yourself go underneath the mistletoe.

WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?

I'm gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek and hug him underneath the mistletoe and if he's very nice I'll feed him sugared spice and hang his Christmas stocking from his big lead toe.

PLEASE DON'T BE SO SHORT WITH ME.

Oh my love we've had our share of tears.

REALLY, YOUR LOVE WE'VE HAD OUR SHARE OF TEARS?

Oh my friend we've had our hopes and fears.

WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR FRIEND WE'VE HAD OUR HOPES AND FEARS?

Oh my friend it's been a long, hard year but now it's Christmas. Yes it's Christmas – Thank God it's Christmas – for one day.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOUR FRIEND IT'S BEEN LONG?

December will be magic again.

WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW?

I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around me and so the feeling grows.

WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED OVER MY TOES?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your toes. Yuletide songs being sung by a choir and folks wrapped up like eskimos.

IN WHAT WAY?

The weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful and since we've no place to go let it snow let it snow let it snow.

WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?

Way up north where the air gets cold there's a tale about Christmas that you've all been told and a little famous cat all dressed up in red and he spends the whole year working out if his sled. It's the little Saint Nick.

I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?

It's Christmas in Heaven there's great films on TV, the Sound of Music twice an hour and 'Jaws' 1, 2 and 3.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

We're walking in the air. We're floating in the moonlit sky. The people far below are sleeping as we fly.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THEY WERE NOT SLEEPING AS WE FLY?

I'm holding very tight, I'm flying in the midnight blue, I'm finding I can fly so high above with you.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING VERY TIGHT?

I just want you for my own more than you will ever know. Make my wish come true – all I want for Christmas is you.

REALLY, YOUR WISH COME TRUE ALL YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS I? LET'S DISCUSS FURTHER WHY YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.

All I want for Christmas is a Beatle. I told Mum that nothing else will do – there are four so she can have one too. I don't care whichever one she gets me, Ringo, Paul, John, George – they're all the same.

I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY - IN WHAT WAY?

The moon is right the spirit's up, we're here tonight and that's enough. Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.

PLEASE GO ON.

We wish you a Wombling merry Christmas. Open your eyes look to the skies when you're lonely – there will be stars shining for you.

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.

I have had to fight almost every night down through every centuries. Mary Bradley waits at home in the Nuclear Fall Out Zone wish I could be dancing now in the arms of the girl I love.

WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?

God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing ye dismay.

EARLIER YOU SAID YOUR HEART BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY I GAVE IT AWAY.

Ding dong merrily on high in heaven the bells are ringing.

DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS?

Deck the halls with boughs of holly tra la la la la la la la la. 'Tis the season to be jolly tra la la la la la la la la.

WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?

They said there'd be snow at Christmas, they said there'd be peace on Earth, but instead it just kept in raining, a veil of tears for the virgin birth.

I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?

I believed in Father Christmas and I looked to the sky with excited eyes 'til I work with a yawn in the cold light of dawn and I saw him and through his disguise.

YOU SAY A VEIL FOR THE VIRGIN BELIEVED IN FATHER CHRISTMAS AND YOU LOOKED TO THE SKY WITH EXCITED EYES THEN YOU WOKE WITH A YAWN IN THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN.

I wish you a hopeful Christmas, I wish you a brave new year. All anguish, pain and sadness leave your heart and let your road be clear.

OH, I A HOPEFUL CHRISTMAS?

They said there'd be snow at Christmas, they said there'd be Peace on Earth. Hallelujah, Nowell – be it Heaven or Hell – the Christmas we get we deserve.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night.

DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOUR LOVE WE'VE HAD OUR SHARE OF TEARS?

God bless us, every one.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

Goodbye.

GOODBYE. THAT WILL BE $200. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

Somehow I don't think ELIZA got into the Christmas Spirit at all...

Songs:

• 'Auld Lang Syne (1788) Robert Burns
• 'Joy to the World (1719) Isaac Watts, based on Psalms and Genesis
• 'White Christmas (1942) Irving Berlin, performed by Bing Crosby
• 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas (1740?)
• 'Do They Know it's Christmas?' (1984) written by Bob Geldof, performed by Band Aid
• 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' (1944) by Frank Loesser
• 'Happy Xmas (War is Over) ' (1971) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono
• 'Merry Christmas Everyone' (1985) by Bob Heatlie, performed by Shakin' Stevens
• 'Merry Christmas Everybody' (1973) by Noddy Holder and Jim Lea, performed by Slade
• 'Mistletoe and Wine' (1988) by Jeremy Paul, Leslie Stewart and Keith Strachan, performed by Cliff Richard
• 'Saviour's Day' (1989) by Chris Eaton, performed by Cliff Richard
• 'Mary's Boy Child / O My Lord' (1978) by Harry Belafonte, Farian/Jay performed by Boney M
• 'Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy (1941) performed by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
• 'Fairytale of New York' (1987) by Jim Finer and Shane MacGowan performed by The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
• 'Last Christmas' (1984) by George Michael, performed by Wham!
• 'Walking Backwards for Christmas' (1956) by Spike Milligan
• 'It's Christmastime' (2008) by Rich Parfitt and Wayne Morris, performed by Status Quo
• 'I'm gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek' (1964) by The Go-Gos
• 'Thank God it's Christmas' (1984) by Brian May and Roger Taylor, performed by Queen
• 'December will be Magic Again' (1980) by Kate Bush
• 'Christmas is All Around' (2003) by 'Billy Mack'
• 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire' (1954) by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé
• 'Let It Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! ' (1945) by Sammy Cahn
• 'Little Saint Nick' (1963) by Brian Wilson and Mike Love, performed by the Beach Boys
• 'Christmas in Heaven' (1983) by Monty Python
• 'Walking in the Air' (1982) by Howard Blake, performed by Pete Auty
• 'All I Want for Christmas is You' (1994) by Mariah Carey
• 'All I Want for Christmas is a Beatle' (1963) by Gladys Benton, performed by Dora Bryan
• 'Wonderful Christmastime' (1979) by Paul McCartney
• 'Wombling Merry Christmas' (1974) by Mike Batt and the Wombles
• 'Stop the Cavalry' (1980) by Jona Lewie
• 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' (16th Century)
• 'Ding Dong Merrily on High' (lyrics 1924, based on earlier tune)
• 'Deck the Halls' (16th Century tune, lyrics 1862)
• 'I Believe in Father Christmas' (1975) by Greg Lake and Peter Sinfield

Bluebottle

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