In Other Words
Created | Updated Feb 19, 2004
'Meow meow meow, ma meow.' Translation: 'Would you please get this freaking dog to stop licking me.'
Oh yes. Sometimes in this day and age, one pet just isn't enough. Sometimes, you have to add just one more to the crazy bunch to get a whopping two. This, my friends, is precisely what I recently have done. Oh yes. I don't just own a stupid dog anymore. I now have the pleasure of owning a cat as well.
It's been years since I last owned a kitty cat, and I must say they're quite the companion. Unless, of course, you're trying to get a pleaceful night's sleep, then they're demonic. You close your eyes. 'Scratch scratch scratch' - the cat wants in your room. 'Shuffle shuffle shuffle' - he's walking through your term paper. 'Sniff sniff sniff' - he's thinking about peeing on your stack of MAD magazines. 'Hack hack hack' - he's haulking a hairball in your shoes. Then, when you hear the dog yelping madly, you know that the cat has once again leaped out at him from behind a door and pounced on his back. Oh, just for the record, the cat's name is 'Moose' so, when I refer to him as such later, don't think I've lost my marbles and forgotten which animal I'm talking about.
Anyway, Moose has real personality. Like a mix between Lizzie Borden and Robin Williams on acid. One minute he's completely content batting a mouse around, amusing everyone with his crazy antics, and the next he's politely attempting to claw your eyes out - which is futile, since he was declawed over two months ago. But does he ever want to be cute when it's convenient for everyone else? Oh no! You call your friends over to show them your cats cool new trick, and what does he do?
'Hey Moose, spin those dinner plates on your head again, okay?'
and he just sits there and stares at you like he was previously staring at the wall behind you.
Alas, night time must eventually fall, and it's Moose's Comedy Hour. Today's sketch: Moose Tries to Kill DZ. Watch as he nestles himself quietly at her feet as visions of sugar plums and nuclear explosions dance in her head. He wiggles his butt menacingly, then POUNCE right on her face! Gasp in amazement as DZ throws him against the wall. But is the wackiness over? OH NO! Moose does it AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN!! AHA! AHAHHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! Stupid cat. Know what I think it is? Cats are secret agents for the underground Cat Government. Don't scoff! You know I'm right!
- 0600 hours: Human Household:
I've finally completed mission #1473. It took hours to find the right spot, but I've finally managed to urinate somewhere that won't be discovered until the stench is mistaken for a dead animal. The dog walked by me again with a menacing look on his face, but it was safe; he hasn't gotten any brighter since the last time, and the look was apparently just gas. Moving on to secret mission #1474, which is shutting myself in the basement and mewing for three hours until someone lets me out. It's a dangerous mission, but damnit, someone's got to do it. End transmission.
Don't ask me what their ultimate goal is, because if I told you, I'd have to kill you with this jingly ball I have here.
My conclusion? Cats, while sometimes troublesome and less-than-friendly, are still infinitely smarter than dogs. Because of their lack of brains, I've only managed to translate one bit of primitive dog language: 'Woof woof woof bark woof woof.' Translation: 'Mmmm...*lick* yummy kitty.'
Your Little h2g2'er,
