Bertie and the Beast: The Plan's the Thing! Part 4

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A green and scary monster

Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

The Plan's the Thing! Part 4

Chief Engineer Meeds once again made a huge show of locating the necessary key on the huge ring he had hanging from his belt loop.

'I must admit they do look good in the Royal livery.' I said, as he flapped my hand away from the handle.

'Aye, it will be a shame to repaint my girls again.'

'Well you may not need to as they look pretty close to the colours used on the LNWR….Hang on a MO….Girls!'

'Of course girls Annie and Clarabel, the engines are always the lads.'

'So….not like ships then, I mean we always refer to them as she don’t we?

He nodded and unlocked the door, 'This is Annie, before you ask.'

The carriage door didn’t even squeak as it opened and the small set of stairs tumbled out.

'Well that’s new, automatic stairs.'

Meeds rolled his eyes, which was very disconcerting as one was glass and moved in a totally different direction to the other.

The door we entered through led directly into the business end of the carriage. As a mobile operations centre it still could trace its roots back to the Kaiser’s train, if you new what to look for, but it had that new smell. The inside of the carriage seemed to have been heavily modified since Bertie and I had last made use of it or rather her.

I tapped on the nearest wall and was rewarded with a resounding 'thunk'.

Meeds was not amused and started at the spot where I had knocked as if to will an indentation to appear for which he could berate me.

'Heavier Armour then before, yes? It's very clean, I assume everything is working and not just for show.'

Meeds gave me a strong look that only Elspeth could have rivalled and pulled on a recessed lever located behind me.

The interior lit up as light invaded all the dark recesses, all the brass gleamed, every surface that could be polished was polished. It was like being on a Captains barge at a regatta.

I nodded approvingly. 'Electric lights too, no more dangers from gas or having to rely on the skylight. Bertie will be impressed.'

The centre of the carriage was taken up by a large table and to one side pigeon holes to hold whatever charts would be required. I wondered what had happened to the pigeons, but such is the progress of modern communications in the world today. The chairs around the table were of a more functional mould rather than the deep leather armchairs Bertie had specified.

At the far end was what was referred to as the hub. The desk here had all he trappings of a small telegraphy office and I knew that it was possible to connect cables from a junction box on the outside of the carriage to the telegraphy system that ran alongside railway lines. What I was surprised to see though was a wall mounted telephony device.

'Ah, this would explain your message from Hobbes, yes?'

Meeds gave me what passed for a smile; he was not a happy man by any means.

Only half of its' length was used as an office the remainder was taken up as a sleeping and dining area or so I thought.

I opened the connecting door to the sleeping quarters…

Oh, I see you have dispensed with the hammocks…very good…very modern. I trust that was due to my last report?'

'No sir, it was due to the fact that it was felt that there were less people with sea legs making use of it these days and hammocks might put them off, personally I would have kept them and reused the space.'

'Well I’m glad you were over ruled, though I note they are single beds too with no personal space, no dividing walls.'

'Yes sir, to prevent "Happenings" sir.'

'"Happenings" Chief?'

'Yessir … kunoodle-oodling sir.'

'Ah... Canoodling....girl in every port or station…hmmm. Well… yes, in that case I’m surprised they didn’t stick with the hammocks.'

'Exactly, sir!'

'Well Chief I expect a double bed installed as soon as possible, screened off from these other two beds.'

'For you and Mr Harrison–Harrison sir?'

'What? ….No, for me and my wife!'

'Oh, for a minute there I thought…'

You thought what exactly?

Chief Meeds face screwed up in thought “I …er … that you would want to er…..share a bed, top and tail like and …and use the remaining space for additional equipment, sir!'

'It’s a good thought Chief and had my wife not been coming, it would have been worth following up but not this time eh?'

'Sir, might I ask how many will be travelling?'

'At the moment four, one couple and two singles. Enough information for you?'

'And you want partitions between the two singles then?'

'Indeed I do, we do not want Mr Harrison-Harrison wandering about where he is not wanted.'

'Can I suggest we give him a hammock in Clarabelle?'

'Capital idea, Meeds, capital…. So onwards to Clarabelle then.'

Surprisingly the doors between the two carriages were not locked and I decided not to comment as I’m sure that the Chief had his reasons. On opening the door to Clarabelle I was rather stunned to see a stripped out carriage apart from the strong room door at the end.

'We’ve just finished cleaning this one out ready for a refit, but I was asked to put it hold as Mr. Hobbes thought you might want to fit it out as a gymnasium for some reason.'

'A gymnasium? Well I hadn’t thought of that, and yet… the idea has merit Chief.'

The Chief raised his eyebrows quizzically.

'Chief I’d like the walls soundproofed as much as you can, some good rubber mats on the floor and some fencing togs too.'

'Soundproofed sir? That will be for Mr. Harrison-Harrison’s snoring I’ll expect.'

'Well that is one reason, but I suspect there will be a lot of shouting going on in here.'

'Shouting?'

Why yes Chief, tell me are you familiar with the form of fighting known a “Clack-Ow”?'

'Clack-Ow, sir? No sir.'

Our time in China had introduced us to the style of fighting known to the local peasantry as 'Clack- Ow' but which Bertie and I instantly christened “Sticks” Twas not for the faint-hearted, nor could it be said that the man with the longest stick would always be the victor …no, this was down to how much pain could be endured when a mans' knuckles were red raw from a constant thrashing. It was this form of combat along with some other oriental pole techniques that I hoped we could introduce to Charlotte. I just hoped that we would have enough time.

'Well if you were, you would know that there is a lot of energy channelled into the shout before letting the opponent have it with your stick of choice.'

'So you will be hitting each other with sticks then?'

'Oh, indeed. One has to keep in practice and it would be a shame to lose such a new founded skill…. Oh, and a couple of those dummies used in bayonet practice would be useful too.'

'You’re going to hit them with sticks then?'

'No, but my wife needs to practice with her fan.'

'Her fan?'

Yes Chief, her fan.'

The Chief took a notebook from a pocket and proceed to take notes.

'I assume you want to see the weapons store?'

'Oh, rather!' I said with rather too much delight as we made our way to the far end of the carriage, and the strong room door that wouldn’t have looked out of place in any London bank. The Chief once more produced a key from his jailer-like key ring and slotted it into the hole and then hauled on the looking mechanism with a grunt.

'I suppose I’ll have a set of keys?' I asked, as much to fill the silence of the door opening as anything else.

'Yes sir, but you will have to sign for them in triplicate.'

'Nothing new there then.' I quipped as stepped over the doorway and into the armoury.

The room had the capability to hold enough fire power to supply a regiment, but now it seemed rather empty save a few racked rifles, ammo boxes and holstered revolvers.

'Oh!'

The Chief smiled 'Not that bad sir, at least the ammunition is the right calibre for the rifles.'

'Chief, this is ridiculous; I thought this was always stocked up.'

'Ah, but that would be for proper sanctioned military missions sir, and this aint one of them is it?'

'By Jove, you are quite right' I think I need to use the on board telephony device, if that’s ok with you.'

'Really sir, and whom would you wish to converse with?'

'Hobbes.'

'Oh, right then, just dial zero, zero, one and that will connect you.'

I tried not to run to the telephone for that would have been undignified instead I walked through the carriage to the other as quickly as possible. I put the ear piece to my ear and stood as close as I could to the speaking trumpet and dialled the number. After a few seconds a voice answered.

'Hobbes here. Who is speaking please?'

'It’s me, Knolly….. Royston we have a problem!'

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