Doghouse Tails
Created | Updated Mar 5, 2003
The School Run
Believe me being a yummy mummy takes oodles of time and lashings of effort and the school run is a time wasting exercise we could well do without. It's bad enough that the four by four refuses point blank to work properly on flat roads... of course I have to have one, how else would I negotiate the traffic calming measures at speed? Besides one has to keep up the family standards. Imagine visiting the Cotswolds at the weekends in something of oriental origin. Rikshaws may be fine in Bangkok but anything other than Ikebani does not translate well to Surrey or the shires.
The au pair has conspired to make matters worse by taking her annual weeks holiday and returning to the family bosom in... (Somewhere behind the old iron curtain that ends in 'via', I think). In her absence, Perdita has regressed to the point that she can no longer do up her shoes. Rather beautiful, soft black suede with divine Jimmy Choo kitten heels. The headmistress seems to think they aren't suitable, silly woman, not only are they positively exquisite, they also make Perdita's feet look almost dainty (unfortunately she takes after her father in the foot department). The buttons are a little tricky and that is why we are running late. Oh, and possibly because my nail polish wasn't quite dry and I couldn't find the pink Lycra leotard I bought in Bond Street last week that I just have to try out in the Gym.
It is positively unpardonable that the streets of Surrey are so narrow? The parked car outside the drive has just hit my wing mirror again. I really must get Geoffrey to complain to the council. Perhaps I should have a coffee morning and we could get up a road-widening petition, the pavements are huge and I never see anyone on them, apart from those horrid dog walkers who should surely only be allowed to walk their dogs in doggy doo areas of parks. I'm sure Alice would be in favour of a petition, Emily too perhaps? Maybe not, she is going through a bit of a mother earth phase.
To add to our misery it's bin men day. Why do council refuse collectors have to collect mankind's rubbish when we are taking our children to school? They have all day to do it, surely someone could organise it more efficiently?
Heavens I almost forgot, lunch at twelve, must get some flowers.
'Don't worry precious we will only be a few minutes late, and I'll tell your teacher it was all the nasty bin men's fault.'
Don't you dare toot at me you horrible man! I am perfectly aware they are double yellow lines, but what a silly place to put them. I have to collect some flowers; five minutes that's all it will take. Anyone would think I was causing an obstruction. Can't you see there are already three disabled cars parked? What difference does one more make? All right, I might be right on the junction but thanks to the three disabled cars, there is nowhere else to park. I must get Geoffrey to have a word with that nice MP about issuing school run stickers for emergency parking.
'There you go Darling, Mummy wasn't too long was she?'
What is that? A parking ticket... how dare they. Don't they know who I am? Oh, no time now, Geoffrey can have a quick word with the judge, I'm going to be late for the gym.
'Oh look there's Sophie and her mummy. Wave darling.'
'Hang on I'll wind down the window. See you in the gym, we can do coffee later, oh and thanks for putting out our bin this morning Byeeee!'
Lift share? Goodness no. In a P Reg.? Geoffrey would never approve. Besides they have a dog and Perdita might catch fleas.
Thank heavens' school at last.
I know I'm double parked you stupid person. Everyone is double-parked. It is a school after all. Oh for goodness sake he nearly killed that child, why can't people be more considerate?
'Bye Darling, (kissy kissy), Mummy loves you too, but she has to dash.'
How far away is the school did you say? Well, it must be half a mile at least.
Why don't I walk? What do you mean why don't I walk? As in, 'on the streets with all that yucky doggy doo' kind of walking? How unhygienic.
I walk five miles in the gym every day. Isn't that enough? Surely that's what designer trainers and treadmills were invented for.
