Practical applications of the use of Towels
Created | Updated Mar 6, 2003
Within the story and the humour of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, more than mere entertainment may be obtained. Contained within the many works which make up the entire Hitchhiker's collection is advice on numerous subjects, ranging from dealing with Vogons (feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal), to dealing with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (wrap a towel around your head).
Within that last is one of the many things which are suggested for the cunning Hitcher to do with their towel. Many things are suggested within the story, and many of them are highly useful when out in the galaxy with only thirty Altarian dollars a day to spend, but how much of this advice applies to life on Earth? Being a great fan of Hitchhiker's, I decided to investigate. This is not a complete list of the uses for your towel, but since there are so many it is probably best to restrict ourselves to a subset of them - otherwise we will be here so long we will never get a chance to try any of them.
Wrap it around you for warmth
Although the Guide refers to the 'cold moons of Jaglan Beta', this is definitely something that applies anywhere you might find that the weather has turned a little on the chilly side - especially if you had the foresight to buy an extra large and fluffy towel.
Sunbathe on it
Clearly a universal application of the towel - the Guide clearly states that you may sunbathe on your towel on Santraginus V, presumably implying that at least one Researcher has done that. Since on Earth it is not at all uncommon to observe humans sunbathing on their towels on various beaches and other open, sunny places, this is obviously something all races have in common.
Huddle beneath it for protection from mega-gnats
Whilst Earth may not have the same constellations visible in the sky as Kakrafoon where the mega-gnats are found, or indeed any mega-gnats, we do have stars in the sky, and while watching them you may very well encounter flying, biting insects. Can a towel protect you from them? Well, only if it's very large. If the towel can't cover your exposed skin it's not going to do you much good against insects. The towel should also be densely woven and thick, for otherwise it is a trivial matter for the insects to bite through it. Ideally, the towel should also be smelly, to mask your scent so that the insects aren't interested in you in the first place.
Use it to sail a mini-raft
While this immediately conjures up a rather romantic vision of a raft with a wind-filled towel sailing down the slow, heavy river Moth, it is difficult to see how, with your average towel, this would be practical. A sail, in order to work effectively, must be very densely woven to catch as much wind as possible. Towels, on the other hand, tend to be rather permeable to wind, so you wouldn't get much power. However, if there was nothing else to hand, a towel would do very nicely as a makeshift sail, provided you weren't particularly keen on going anywhere very fast.
Wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat
Immediately we see possibilities with this proposed use. A small towel - perhaps a hand towel - when wet, could be used with quite significant effectiveness by an average person, and someone with a bit more upper-body and arm strength could do quite devestating things with a wet bath towel. This is clearly one of the most easily-usable suggestions, but it should also be noted that hand-to-hand combat is not often required in day-to-day life, and when it is you're unlikely to have a chance to wet your towel in preparation.
Wrap it around your head to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
Since Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts aren't found anywhere other than on Traal (and perhaps anywhere you might find a hungry Hagunnennon), this advice isn't so useful for those of us stranded on Earth.
Dry yourself off with it
I'm sure we're all familiar with this use of the towel, and it is probably the one your mother would be most happy about.
In addition to this sterling advice direct from the Guide, we also observe many other uses of towels by characters in the radio series, television series and books. They are also worthy of consideration here.
Wrap your head(s) in a towel to avoid recognition
Used to great effect by Zaphod in Fit the Seventh of the radio series, this is obviously a technique for the experienced fraudster/galactic President.
Use it as an emergency nutrient supply
Also in the radio series, Zaphod encountered Ford's friend Roosta, who keeps his towel impregnated with protein, vitamin B and C complexes, wheatgerm extract and barbeque sauce. This is very useful in emergencies, but if Roosta's towel is a typical example of such things, it's not a pleasant-tasting solution. This is why Roosta's towel also has one end soaked in antidepressants. In a modern lifestyle it may prove more advantageous to simply soak the entire towel in them.
Wave it at a passing spaceship to get a lift
This doesn't happen very often for most people on Earth, so is probably best left at the back of the ideas drawer, although when Ford and Arthur tried it on prehistoric Earth, it worked very well - although not quite the way they had intended.
Throw it over a security robot to aid in breaking into a building
Since we don't yet have security robots on Earth, this is also unlikely to be of great use. You could throw it over a security camera, but the operators might notice, so it's not ideal. The best thing to do is simply to stay on the right side of the law. If, however, you prefer to be like Ford Prefect and never enter your place of work through the front door, this may stand you in good stead.
Use it to distract an enemy
By throwing it at someone and shouting 'kill', you may be able to buy yourself precious moments of time. However, you should remember that the vast majority of towels are inanimate objects and should not be relied upon to actually carry out your command. Your enemy is also likely to be aware of this, so make sure you say 'kill' very, very convincingly.
Place it between your ankles to measure the length of a hyperspace jump
As evidenced by Ford in the second episode of the BBC TV series, the distance a towel moves towards your head may be used to determine how far you jumped through hyperspace. This is obviously only of great value when appropriating lifts from unfriendly Vogons1, as anyone else is likely to simply tell you what you wish to know.
